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You ever heard of Kari Lake?

It sounds familiar.

Kari Lake, she used to be a journalist out here in Arizona, and then she tried to run for governor.

Then she tried to run for senator.

She’s like, like this with Trump.

So he appointed her to run

Voice of America.

Yeah, I’m seeing it now.

Think yeah, think of NPR meets CNN International

Shut it down on

Why?

Well, the current administration isn’t too fond of Voice of America at this point in time.

So basically, Kari Lake just gets to chill for the next four years, perhaps.

That wasn’t a DEI hire at all.

Yo.

Cactus, welcome back.

Episode number five.

Pretty fly.

Not for a white guy.

Start the show.

Brandon.

I’m Ryan.

We need the theme song.

It’s down to budget this quarter.

I don’t

Should we just start, we just cut to the cheese on this episode or do we let it slowly melt like butter?

You got to introduce our new segment.

We got new segment?

Wow.

Nah, we just changed the format a little bit to increase SEO engagement.

Where’s the background on this?

This segment, essentially.

Came about in light of a lot of law enforcement related shenanigans that’s taken place in good old back home.

So

Considering that this is in your neck of the woods, Brandon, I say you lead the pack.

So let’s start from here.

26-year-old Joseph Ascona

of Newark Police Department, tragically killed in the line of duty.

This happened on March 3rd—no, March 7th.

He was killed by a 14-year-old.

Who?

Used 29 bullets

With a ghost gun,

The world’s smallest machine gun.

That is insane.

That’s an easy way to ruin your life.

Yeah, he had a switch on that gun, obviously—29 bullets.

The cop didn’t get one shot off.

He was still sitting in his car when he was approached.

I should know this, I live in a gun-friendly state—nah.

Fairly cheap, I think it’s around like $20 to just get the switch.

Get fucked.

$20 just to change it from a semi-automatic weapon into a fully automatic weapon.

Inspires a child—and that’s deadass a child—like a child to fuck around with weapons, not just with weapons, but to fuck around with modified weapons, man.

That’s just, that’s…

What were we doing at 14, man?

Something very similar.

What, murdering?

I sure as hell—weren’t—we weren’t raising the hood, but I sure as hell wasn’t the suburbs either.

It was there, but it wasn’t there, like, it was easier to not be around it than it was to be around it in our environment.

Yeah.

What makes you say that?

Think it was equal opportunity.

It was a DEI hood, is what you’re sayin’?

I’m saying we could have easily been around that environment.

Good point.

I mean, I know I could have.

The opportunity was definitely on the doorstep.

Good point.

Good point.

People who are definitely involved in it.

I think we all know people were definitely involved in it.

It’s 2025 and people are still living in that mental poverty.

It appears that the child, damn, lost his soul doing this shit.

Mental.

Because some of these people, they are cursed with demons, man.

Those demons are real.

Either or,

Yeah, I mean two lives got lost—

one is just like, no, literally gone…

One is like, yeah, literally an NPC for life, bro.

You shot a cop, you killed a cop at 14 years old

in the city of Newark, New Jersey.

A city that has not seen a cop die in the line of duty in 14 years.

Moving on, circulating video of an off-duty police officer,

a detective in New York City who is engaging in some extracurricular…

Activities.

Some frowned upon activities, to say.

Got her suspended.

Turn it down soon.

That.

Hahaha.

Can you still hear it?

It’s too much.

It’s like I’m watching a damn porno at this point.

I’m about to—I’m saying.

That’s not a cop in Miami, Florida.

That’s a cop in New York City.

As you can see throughout the entire video, she’s wearing…

Damn near nothing.

Very minimal clothing.

If you can even call it that.

There are some other detectives that have gone on—

Well, yes—anonymously—that said they have no words.

Apparently the artist of the video—the song—

wasn’t aware that she was a cop.

She was contacted through a model agency.

She wasn’t undercover, huh?

She makes six figures as a grade three detective

assigned to a Bronx special victims unit.

Joined the force in 2018.

That’s AOC’s borough.

She’s not wearing anything that says NYPD in the video

or saying that she’s a detective.

So a lot of it is…

Now she popped up and somebody was like,

I know who that is.

She got OSINT’d.

Relieved of any cases she was currently working on,

especially those involving sex workers.

So she on deck, dude, huh?

But I mean, the fact that she works in Special Victims

and she’s dancing in this video like this is kind of crazy.

Those two do not go together.

What would Olivia Benson say?

Give it a season and a half.

This will be an episode.

Same generic ass music and everything.

DUN DUN

Mmm.

What you got going on with cops out in A.Z.?

There was a vehicle rollover,

Phoenix police the other day off the 17.

They just rolled over.

Happy pit bull.

I ain’t never seen my dog roll over ever,

We never seen your dog get on its back.

No diddy.

I’ve seen her go sideways

Kind of like how my kid sleeps,

I guess we can run through Prickly Passes real quick

when it comes to—

Prince of Phoenix, Devin Booker,

AKA, never leaving the team.

He doesn’t want to leave Phoenix.

He’s home.

He’s—Oh.

Bud.

I was gonna get to that.

Know who’s the front and center cornerstone of all that?

To get that boy clipped.

Teeny-wincey bad,

Services no longer needed.

I—you…

I don’t know.

Suns culture is just to fire your coach and hire a new one.

At this—

They would have to start rebuilding

because I don’t think they got any more first-round picks for the next couple of years.

Here we go again with that first-round pick.

It’s true though,

they really don’t got a lot of first-round picks.

That—

They not doing nothing for a decade

unless they get some picks off with trading away KD.

And I don’t think they getting a first-round pick for Bradley Beal.

It might be Bradley Beal and Booker till the end at this point.

I guess I gotta move on to some notables in football.

Josh Sweat is now an Arizona Cardinal.

Congratulations.

Good for him.

Good for him.

Good for him.

They need some damn defense out there.

They do.

I’m surprised they didn’t come—

They didn’t go after Haason Reddick.

Me too, but it’s the dollar store Eagles.

So what do you expect?

No, no, not the Eagles.

Talking about…

You were saying that.

I was like, okay, I got it.

That went over my head.

Kyler Murray.

Guess he’s not going to be a Jet after all.

Wait, who?

Wait, that is true.

That is true.

That is true.

And then y’all old quarterback,

he’s in what?

Minnesota right now?

He’s in limbo,

choosing between the Vikings, the Steelers, and the Giants.

Supposedly.

Trying to like live out Brett Favre’s dream right now, man.

Well, not dream—Brett Favre’s career.

Minus the creepy shit.

Supposedly the Vikings are leaning towards McCarthy though, so…

You—

I see him going to Pittsburgh

and I see Russell Wilson going to the Giants.

I see Russell Wilson going to the Giants.

Yeah, I see him going to the Giants on a one-year deal.

That rookie QB,

whoever they draft is going to be sitting behind him.

Just—are you talking about Shedeur?

If that’s who they get.

Yee-gawd.

I know where Shedeur going,

but it ain’t New York.

If not in New York, he’s going to the Raiders.

I mean…

You’ll see Future at that stadium

before you see Shedeur Sanders in there as a Giant.

A certain running back—

Is interested in talking with the team and visiting the team:

Cam Skattebo, ASU sensation.

Declared for the draft—

Second round.

Mm-hmm.

And Conner’s getting old.

We know Skattebo might stay in Arizona after all.

I guess time will tell.

Let’s talk about Stephen A and LeBron.

I want to talk about that.

Me too—feel like we’ve heard every side of the story

at every angle and every facet at this very point.

I’m gonna give my honest opinion on the situation.

I think it was the wrong move for him to approach Stephen A at the game.

There’s a lot of different ways he could have contacted him

and had a personal discussion about how he felt

instead of approaching him at the game while he was courtside in the—

Middle of the third quarter.

Minding his own business with Larry David and his agent.

This isn’t at halftime.

This isn’t at the beginning of the game.

This isn’t at the end of the game.

Bro came to him in the third quarter.

ESPN folk and agents were like, “Yo, you gotta talk about this.”

He was like, “Do I have to?”

Yeah.

Right after it happened.

He didn’t want to talk about it.

He said he didn’t want to speak on it.

And yeah—

Went on First Take—and I want him to say something

because I’ve gone viral for something outside of my podcast and First Take.

Been number one for 13 years every weekday—

he be plugging the shit out of that show.

So he talked about it—he explained—

LeBron was upset at remarks

about Bronny’s career thus far.

Make a long story short—yeah, yeah.

Long story—make this long story short—

LeBron pushed his kid out there to the wolves

talking about some, “Oh, he’s better than half of the people in the NBA.”

“If you want me to play on y’all team,

you’re gonna have to draft him,” that, and the third, yada yada yada.

More often than not, less emotion—

and this young man, what did only what, one or two years in college?

One year—and he didn’t even play the entire season.

He had a heart condition too.

This kid’s playing coming off a heart condition.

And he’s—he’s about to be better than half the league?

Da-da-da-da-da-da-da.

Well, you got your first father-son playing together thing in the season.

They moved him into the G League,

and he was putting up some good points in the G League.

Take him out the G League.

Can we take a second and look at his college career?

Sure.

This kid played in…

25 games.

He started six of them.

Averaged 19 minutes a game.

He gets more minutes than Bol Bol.

Take a guess on how many points he averaged.

4.8.

Was being conservative at that number.

And two assists.

LeBron James Jr.

19 minutes on the court—

Supposedly better than half the NBA.

Playing more minutes than Bol Bol.

LeBron talking a big game,

Stephen A was basically saying,

“I wasn’t talking about your son, I was talking about you.”

But Stephen A couldn’t say that to LeBron James at that very moment—

the man had just literally announced a $100 million contract

renewal with ESPN and Walt Disney the same day.

So he wasn’t trying

to fuck his bag up on his special day,

so he just said, “Okay, I’ma start talking about your son,” and just kept it moving.

He purposely didn’t see Bronny’s college games or high school games

out of respect for the family—because they know,

and he knows, that if he pulled up to a game,

People are gonna be asking him, “How do you think he looks?”

And he wanted to stay out of that conversation.

He wanted to stay out the fray,

because it could’ve come back on his ass

if you were somebody who sat there and really listened

to both ends of the spectrum.

I think somebody in their right mind can see

where LeBron got upset—

but at the same time, LeBron set himself up for all that.

The number one thing he felt LeBron is salty about—

It’s the fact that Stephen A has come out and said things unapologetically, as he should—

such as LeBron being the second-best player ever in the NBA behind Michael Jordan.

That probably fucks with LeBron’s ego a lot.

That probably gets him real upset—real real stingy on the inside—

because you know LeBron, he takes a lot of pride in his game.

Great family man, by the way.

I mean, you can’t come at that.

But that dude—put a mic in his face when he’s upset?

You gotta roll your eyes, man.

Stephen A, man.

People just use him as a scapegoat

because they hear the name—they’re like, “Oh, it’s him.”

“Nah, it’s him, it’s him, it’s him.”

Just because you hear somebody’s name all the time

doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s always them.

Like, if somebody said Draymond Green beat his kids,

I wouldn’t believe it.

He’d probably beat somebody else’s kids, but not his.

Why you say that?

Just comes off as that guy—

I don’t see him as a bad parent.

So why do y’all hate Stephen A. Smith?

I’m curious.

Drop it in the comments.

You thought we were just having an intimate chat right now.

I was asking like why Warriors fans or something hated him.

No, y’all not even the most annoying fans in the league.

So I guess this week’s Purple Politics is gonna be quite short,

because it seems like y’all politicians are behaving yourselves—

For the most part.

Well, depending on who you ask.

Elon Musk versus Mark Kelly.

Round two.

Well, Senator Buzz Lightyear himself paid Ukraine a visit—

Earlier in March—

Talking to locals and soldiers and of course, Zelensky.

Shared his little journey—

On X.

And expressed how everybody wants the war to end.

Any agreement has to protect Ukraine’s security and sovereignty,

and not give away to Putin.

And of course, Elon Musk took the opportunity—

Called him a traitor.

Traitor.

Traitor.

Well, Senator Kelly shot back quite quickly saying:

“Traitor? Elon, if you don’t understand that defending freedom

is a basic tenet of what makes America great and keeps us safe…

Maybe you should leave it to those of us who do.”

Fair.

Fair to me.

Showing his support to the Ukrainian people—

Blown away by their resolve—

As they fight for their country in the face of Putin’s illegal invasion.

That was just a quite tame little exchange.

Wasn’t the end of it—

Because as many may be aware…

Senator Kelly is known for his little black Tesla Model S.

So not too long after he was called a traitor—

Senator Kelly took it upon himself to—

Get rid of that Tesla Model S.

Kelly expressed that driving his Tesla made him feel

like a rolling billboard for a man dismantling our government and hurting people.

And he further commented, “Musk kind of turned out to be an asshole.”

“And I don’t want to be driving a car built and designed by an asshole.”

What’s he talking about?

After selling his Tesla for an undisclosed amount,

Kelly introduced his new vehicle—

A Chevrolet Tahoe built by union labor here in America.

Which is interesting, considering…

What’s the gas usage on that?

It’s like 15 miles per gallon on them damn things.

So he doesn’t believe in global warming.

I ain’t gonna say that.

It just seemed a little odd considering that he’s a senator of a state, right?

That has—

Vehicle manufacturers investing, manufacturing, and developing in the state.

For instance—Rivian.

One of their future vehicles—I believe it’s called the Rivian R2—

They manufacture the batteries for that upcoming vehicle

Like 45 minutes north—

At an LG plant in Queen Creek.

LGBT.

Lucid actually makes cars.

They actually make cars in Casa Grande.

Why didn’t he just invest in a Tesla competitor?

That would’ve really stuck it to Elon, wouldn’t it?

You wanna introduce the Errors & Omissions?

Wrap it up.

Reviewing last episode,

there were some discrepancies and some…

Unintentional deficiencies.

Yes, in some—

And so—

Things we made that weren’t necessarily true,

but weren’t lies, because we didn’t intend on lying.

And the purpose of this next segment is to address those—

Moments we talked out of our ass.

Yeah.

So—I said a thing that wasn’t true about Kyler Murray.

That thing being that he was going to be a Seattle Mariner at one point.

That is not true.

He was going to be an Oakland A.

Something much worse.

And soon to be Vegas A.

He was gonna be an A

before he decided to declare for the NFL Draft.

Smart decision that young man made.

I also said a thing—a little bet that I had made with—

Brandon on the last episode, stating:

If Kevin Durant was to become a Golden State Warrior

any time from the end of this season to some point next season,

we’ll buy him and myself…

200-level seats at Suns Arena

for a regular season game next season—Suns vs. Warriors.

Except the arena is not named Suns Arena,

nor is it named Footprint Center—

It’s PHX Arena—or Phoenix Arena—

which is ironic, because…

That’s also the name of the airport here in Phoenix.

Which is a pretty spacious airport.

It’s a beautiful place to commit suicide.

Madder than a motherfucker.

And ironically enough—

both of those entities are owned by the City of Phoenix.

Yes—City of Phoenix makes bank off of their airport,

the Phoenix Buns—

They also own where the Arizona Diamondbacks play.

Yeah, see—if Phoenix is smart, they make dough—

Off of—

Billionaires.

Literally.

Way to go, City of Phoenix!

I’ll give you that.

And that also—so I fucking hate it here.

Shall we move on to viewer comments?

What do we have this week?

Your mother commented.

Yeah, she said thanks for the shout-out.

‘Cause apparently, as you did say,

she is a certified life coach.

Gonna do it.

Ha ha.

Grifting!

Life coaching is ideal for people trying to get unstuck

or improve specific areas of life.

Transformation coaching is for people who want to rewrite their entire story

and shift their identity.

You can’t change history.

Like, I say I have a second life.

That’s just a figure of speech.

Some people, man—it’s not because of their past—

It’s because their past is still their present,

whether they know it or not.

Which is not a bad thing if you are healing and growing from something,

but if you’re masking the reality that you live in—

Almost in a way where you’re playing pretend—

And then trying to get people to do the same—

That is just as toxic as that friend who tells you not to see that guy

that you find cute because he has like a fucking pimple on…

His fucking nose.

I’m just using that as an example, ‘cause—

That’s happened to me a couple times.

Except it wasn’t a pimple on the nose—

He’s in the Army.

He has a kid.

He’s not from here.

Anyway.

Your mom said

you should bring in a clip or two of when y’all were doing podcast-ish recordings

when y’all were teenagers.

Hmm.

That?

Doing skits back then.

It wasn’t really podcast-ish either.

Ladies and gentlemen—me and Brandon—

We were 8 to have…

Multimedia work on the interwebs in the form of comedy sketches.

Though—we did iCarly before iCarly was iCarly.

Let’s just say we were on the internet—on YouTube—in its infancy.

We really wish we had a mentor or a life coach

or some sort of a person with multimedia experience

who was predicting the future, the right head on their shoulders—he kept doing it—

Who knows what would’ve came out of it.

So with that—shout out to…

I think [name] and [name] were involved with that shit at one point.

Yup.

…

…

You know who you were.

You knew who you were.

Could’ve been Odd Future before Odd Future,

Brockhampton before Brockhampton.

Could’ve been Odd Future before Odd Future.

Yeah man.

Now y’all probably wondering,

The fuck we talkin’ about?

Y’all find out soon enough.

Y’all find out soon enough.

That’s it.

Say “wrap it up” then.

Hey—wrap it up.

Well—make sure you like, comment, subscribe, share.

Am I missing anything?

I can’t think of anything you’re missing.

Gotta hit that bell.

But yeah—from the concrete—

Will never be those kids no more.

Never be those kids again.

Cactus.

Stay hydrated.

Stay warm.